By Pete Weiss

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In the wake of the recent collapse of Circuit City, Linens N' Things, and other indispensable companies, US News published the article "15 Companies Not Likely to Survive 2009".

Listed are companies such as Sbarro and Blockbuster Video. You hear that, Chicken Little? If this recession continues, you won't be able to rent a scratched-to-shit DVD of the latest Will Smith movie and then eat a four dollar piece of cardboard! The tragedy!

Putting aside that fact that we live in a capitalist economy that is driven in part by these companies, and that millions of people will lose their jobs and that sucks, I’ve put together a list of five other companies that we as a nation would be better off without, in the long run.

So, in ascending order:

5. Ticketmaster

No one will dispute this. If so, have you had to use Ticketmaster lately? I bought three $10 tickets for a concert and the bill, plus Ticketmaster's fees, came to $60, or exactly twice the amount of the tickets alone. My memory is blurred by frustration and impotent rage, but I swear to God they charged me a fee just for charging a fee. "Well, you see, it costs us money to charge you so many fees, so that $2.75 covers the cost of feeing you. In other words, we have to charge you to charge you."

With (much) cheaper--and easier to use--alternatives like Brown Paper Tickets, this could happen. Unfortunately, as long as Clear Channel and Live Nation still lord over us like The Evil Entertainment Empire, this is about as likely as a reduction in Ticketmaster's assfucking (oh, excuse me: "convenience") fees.

4. Coke Or Pepsi

In this new, more spartan landscape, do we really have room for a cola war? We don't even have room for a real war. I say that a winner should be declared by vote, and the loser forced to step down and give half their money back to us in the form of a stimulus check. Then, a new law will be put into place limiting the amount of soda sold to each American--similar to how you can't go into a CVS and buy an armload of pseudoephedrine--and we will sit back and watch diabetes and childhood obesity rates plummet. This will obviously apply to energy drinks as well, since so many are owned by either Coke or Pepsi. Unfortunately, it will do nothing to stop this:

Speaking of tragedy...

3. Walgreens

At times, the three big drugstore chains can seem interchangeable: same product, same layout, same oppressive lighting. Which is why I couldn't care less that Rite Aid may be going under. But there's one drugstore chain that I've had uniformly horrible experiences with, and it's one that, for me, has come to epitomize the bleak future of customer service: Walgreens. No matter which Walgreens I visit, or when, I'm always treated to one of the following scenarios:

-A line several customers deep, with one register open. There's at least one other cashier on staff, and they can be seen doing anything other than helping customers. Oh well, it's not like that merchandise is going to scatter itself across the floor.

-Same scenario, except several people in line have coupons, and the cashier has no idea whether the coupons are valid. They'll call over a "supervisor", and approximately four minutes later a guy with prison tattoos ambles over to the register and, after careful deliberation, concludes that he, too, has no idea if the coupons are valid. This continues into infinity, while the hopeless souls in line ponder suicide and/or murder.

This is what I look like when I am in line at Walgreens:

Walgreens stores contain an X factor that makes me feel acutely aware of the horror, tragedy, and dull, numbing pain of existence. It's an all-too common experience, and one not at all unique to Walgreens, but no store illustrates it better. The line at Walgreens is the purgatory of our society.

2. USA Today

USA Today going under would be a shot in the arm for the ever-worsening newspaper industry. I'm convinced it would keep local papers in business by eliminating such a mediocre alternative. USA Today is the McDonald's of newspapers. I mean this quite literally; you can buy the latest issue of USA Today at McDonald's along with your nuggets and fries.

It's no secret that USA Today is written at a third-grade reading level. It's also the only paper brazen enough to make headlines out of what would otherwise be, at most, a blurb in People magazine:

This was a headline. "It is tough to get tickets for big concerts". No shit. In other news, Americans love bread:

I actually kind of like USA Today. It's not a newspaper, but a colorful thing to stare at while your mind is transitioning into its waking state. But it couldn't be less necessary, especially when all real newspapers have their own colorful, mind-numbing things to stare at--they're called the funnies.

1. Yum! Brands, Inc.

Billed on their website as "The world's largest restaurant company!", with ownership of KFC, Pizza Hut, Taco Bell, and Long John Silver's, is the ironically named Yum! Brands, Inc. With so many fast food options available to us, couldn't we afford to pare it down a bit? Losing Yum! Brands, Inc. would mean a drastic reduction in crap for a country that has more than it will ever need.

I know that some people like these restaurants. I have some die-hard Taco Bell fanatics in my group of friends. But let me share a bone-chilling anecdote: a friend, while in the drive-thru at Taco Bell, caught sight of a truck unloading ingredients, including a box labeled MEAT: GRADE: EDIBLE.

Needless to say, that friend is no longer a fan of the "fourthmeal." Let that one sink in, and then tell me the country isn't ready for the Del Taco revolution.

Yum! Brands, Inc. is also responsible for the recent expansion of Long John Silver's, the only one of their big chains where I've never eaten, because they don't even bother to make their food look or sound appetizing.

In their zealous quest to bring the stench of fried fish to America's communities, Yum! Brands, Inc. is responsible for unholy abominations such as this:

...and this:

Has anything ever been improved by the addition of a Long John Silver's? I can only imagine that their next "cross-branding" efforts will include funeral homes, waste treatment plants, and hospices for the clinically insane.

Speaking of insanity:

Now I get it. Their plan is to fly to Mars in a rocketship, where, in the boiling depths of the unexplored alien ocean, Yum! Brands, Inc. will grow giant, monstrous, mutated shrimp that will enable them to take over the world. There's no other rational explanation for this ad.

Oh well, at least the shrimp will be free.

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I'd like to thank my very funny Michigan comedy friends Nate Fridson and Matt McClowry for their brainstorming assistance.

What companies would you like to see go under?